Life, ministry, Stories

Late Night Realizations

When I sat and wrote out all the things I have done and the people I’ve helped with my business I realized something. I’m pretty successful.

It was like years of self doubt, feeling like I haven’t accomplished enough, had finally come to an end. Why was I crushing my confidence by dwelling on things I haven’t done yet? I should have been celebrating the MANY things I had! I taught a multitude of students to play the piano. I’ve helped many clients find a solution to chronic pain and stress related issues. They saw my value. They appreciated everything I did.

I didn’t make it as a singer, but I did record a song with two members of Blackstreet. Which for me was a big deal.

It’s too easy to focus on the things I didn’t accomplish. Too easy to look at my age and say “I haven’t done enough.” Even though I have done a lot. I realized that I am a recording artist, published writer, business owner, missionary, minister. I wanted to be a performing artist and I did it. I wanted to publish my stories and I’m doing it. I wanted to travel and I am.

As I sat up one late night, feeling like my life hadn’t turned out the way it was supposed to, I realized that I had accomplished a lot more than I gave myself credit for.  And I began thanking God for giving me the talents and opportunity to do so. When I realized I wasn’t appreciating the doors he had opened for me I repented. He has a divine plan for my life. Even if I don’t understand all of it I know it’s going to work out for my good.

So tonight I sit humbled and appreciative.

Life, ministry

A Weary Soul

My spirit is weary,
Yet, the grace of God continues to strengthen me.
I live in a society where, if I acknowledge the racism I’ve dealt with then I’m part of the problem because I am told “If you don’t talk about racism it’ll go away.”
I hear my friends say ” Martin Luther King would be rolling over in his grave if he could see what his people are doing.”
Apparently every black person who cries out against injustices needs to stop because slavery ended over a hundred years ago.
And that we need to worry about black on black crime, because clearly no other race commits crimes against each other in a high percentage, no wait, they do.
My spirit gets weary because I know I am judged by the stereotypes of my race before the content of my character. I know that’s how it is, but I’m not supposed to talk about those things, because if I don’t they’ll stop happening.
My flesh wants to rise up when I hear people say “I don’t see color or race.” Yes you do and that’s ok. Our cultural differences is not always a bad thing.
To dismiss what it’s like living in black/brown skin when you never have is insulting.
But this is why I can continue to love beyond the mess. Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.


Finding the Balance

When I first became a youth minister I found that God was going to require more time from me and so were the children at my church, Sowing The Seeds Of Faith Ministries. The first thing I did was ask God if he was sure I had what it takes to be a minister. Even though I was already doing the work I had many doubts. My main one was, I don’t look or act like a minister. I’m not locked into traditions, I have tattoos and to some people’s dismay, I have dread locks.

Yes, I love Christ, working with the children, most of the time, and being a part of a congregation that worships with all their hearts, but I did not feel like I had arrived yet. And many elders looked at me the same way. They were so much more knowledgeable and had more experience and seemed to have all the time in the world to be ministers. Where as I was struggling to be the perfect mom and wife.

Yes, perfect.

I found that I could effectively schedule time to be in every place I was suppose to be, but life had a way a knocking me off the perfect path I had set for myself. My kids needed me outside of the allotted time scheduled for them. My husband wanted to invade the time I scheduled for the church. I stuck to my guns, I tried anyway, and that seemed to cause even more problems. Problems that when they arrived gave me cause to ask God “Are you sure you want me to minister? I can barely schedule my time.” Many nights I prayed that God would make me perfect for the job. I even cried about how bad of a wife and mother I was. Ministry was something that didn’t come easy to me. I felt like if I lacked in motherhood, how could I thrive as one of God’s teachers?

It was a very lonely feeling.

I remember one day when I was at a very low moment, depressed and discouraged, and I wanted to give up. I felt like it was too hard. Like I wasn’t strong enough. And then the song “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” came on and it was like Jesus was talking to me! “If you need me, call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far. Just call my name I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry…”. My spirit was lifted almost instantly. I may not have been perfect, but I was chosen.

And then one day I sat down and wrote out everything it was that I did each day. From errands to family game nights. What I saw amazed me! No everything wasn’t done perfectly in the times I designated for them, but they were done! So my girls didn’t always have the best  and ironed clothes, they had quality time that they enjoyed. And my husband didn’t have to come home and worry about meals or chores, some how God had helped me accomplish everything I had written for my self to do.

It was a moment of enlightenment, that I realized that all that worry and stress was for nothing. I may not be the best at everything, but I’m pretty good at most of it.