Love not lies! I want the OTHER four letter word!
So, it was awkward.
Well maybe awkward doesn’t completely describe the entire experience, but it sure did start out that way.
For one, it began rather quickly. Hugging, kissing and then Connie was on her back with Nathan’s face between her thighs. Tasting and sucking until she was gasping for breath. She didn’t know how to respond! No idea how to touch him! So she closed her eyes and writhed beneath his mastery.
But let’s back up…
When Nathan undressed and revealed a toned, muscular body, Connie panicked. She wasn’t obese, but she was definitely not a small woman. With thick thighs, round hips and a four liter instead of a six-pack. She considered herself chubby. The way she dressed hid many flaws in her figure. While highlighting the positive attributes.
But when you’re naked and your stretch marks are showing, it could get in your head.
It got in Connie’s head.
She couldn’t relax. He looked at her and said he didn’t see anything wrong. But he wasn’t wearing his glasses, so how well could she trust his visual judgement?
Without 20/20 vision, he laid her down, kissed her all over and made love to her. It was intense, beautiful. She explored his gorgeous body with her hands. All she wanted to do was please him…
No turning back now.
Connie couldn’t stop thinking about Nathan.
About their sweet kiss. About the things he said he wanted to do to her. And everything she wanted to do to him.
Having tasted his lips, she knew there would be passion once they consummated their relationship. Every part of her being was vibrating with anticipation! It was all she could think about!
It was all she wanted. To simply be wrapped in his arms. One good time, so she could finally feel connected to someone again!
So, she thought about their kiss. thought about how nervous she was to initiate it. But how satisfied she was once she had.
They made plans to see each other again. This time in a more intimate setting. They would be able to work through their emotions by means of talking or making love.
She hoped it would be both.
Every time she closed her eyes she thought about him.
His lips were soft and sweet.
To be honest, I didn’t have to kiss him. He didn’t even initiate it!
When we met, we talked. I tried to convince him, and myself, that this was a horrible idea. That I was more than physically attracted to him. I was certain I had sound reasoning.
But he didn’t care.
He said he felt more than physical attraction towards me as well.
Curses! Why did I have to fit so well with a man that wasn’t even my husband? And why was he also held to the whims of his not so fleeting emotions?
Yeah, I said curses.
Nothing good could come out of our selfish desire to be together. Maybe really passionate sex, but nothing else!
I explained that his very presence felt like home to me. Safe. I felt safe and vulnerable. When he’s near me I blush. I freaking blush! These bronze hues of my flesh turn red! It’s hard for me to put a sensible, coherent thought together.
And all I wanted to do was touch his lips with my own.
He didn’t ask for a kiss.
I just couldn’t leave his space one more time without caressing his lips with mine.
So I told him, “Com’ere”, leaned forward and kissed him. And it was sweet. And it was soft. And it wasn’t nearly enough.
Cupping his face, I closed my eyes and thought about how far I was willing to take this. Emotions were over-riding every logical thought I had. The only thing I wanted was to feel connected to him. To fall into him and let him catch me.
He said he would catch me.
Did he mean that? What would that mean for us? How long could this thing we had going last? We couldn’t have happily ever after. We were both unhappily married.
There was no future.
Only this moment that surely wouldn’t last long.
Maybe if I had one night with him. One moment of surrender. Maybe that would quell the desire and longing in both of us.
Or maybe it would be a beautiful mess worth making…
Connie agreed to meet him.
After several intimate conversations with Nathan, she agreed to meet him, briefly. Her body anticipated seeing him again. That familiar ache between her thighs for a touch she hadn’t even felt yet. The way her heart pounded in her chest with just a thought of him!
What a treacherous body.
From everything he said she came to the conclusion that for Nathan this was just a physical attraction. Mildly disappointed, she decided to convince herself of why they can’t act on their feelings.
Of course there was the obvious…
They were both married. Cheating on your spouses was morally bad and just an awful thing to do.
Then the not so obvious…
He didn’t know she was falling for him. That complicated an already complicated, emotional mess. Sex would never be enough. She didn’t want to scratch an itch. Which seemed was all he wanted.
What she wanted was connection. Emotional intimacy. To know him . To be his.
Clearly that couldn’t happen. When she saw him, she would tell him as much. They couldn’t have an affair. It would hurt their families.
It wasn’t worth it. She would convince him of that. He would understand.
Their lips need never touch. Never start a conflagration their bodies wouldn’t be able to contain. The desire to please him with every part of her body was strong though. She was constantly thinking about making love to him!
But if she did, what would happen to her heart?
The stars were not aligned for them.
When Nathan and Connie finally spoke, he confessed that he did want to kiss her all over her body. His exact words were “I want to kiss you between your thighs.”
While he was straight forward, shamelessly, it didn’t change how felt. She wanted him to kiss her between her thighs!
And it was wrong.
She was married.
He was married.
They couldn’t do this. No matter how much she wanted to be with him, they just couldn’t!
But the real problem wasn’t the sexual attraction. If it was simply that, she would have sex with her husband while fantasizing about Nathan.
This was deeper.
She was attracted to him as a person. She wanted to get to know him. Everything about him. What made him happy. What made him sad. What were his dreams. His goals.
She didn’t do casual sex. Her feelings were always involved. And she couldn’t give him her body without giving him part of her heart.
Connie could feel Nathan deep inside of her, stroking slowly as his mouth kissed hot trails up her neck to her ear. She arched against him, moaning as she gave everything she was to him.
His hand moved up the side of her waist, stimulating all her nerve endings to burn with desire. She wrapped her arms around him, losing herself and not even caring.
“I want to taste you,” he whispered huskily in her ear.
But she didn’t want him to leave her body! He felt so good!
“No! Stay inside of me.”
He chuckled. “I’ll put it back inside of you. I promise. But right now I want to taste you.”
She couldn’t deny him anything!
He took his time pulling out of her. Then moved down the length of her body, kissing every inch as he did. Finally, he settled between her thighs.
She felt the tip of his tongue flicker over that sensitive bud. Moaning, she tried to steady her hips. The last thing she wanted to do was disrupt his rhythm.
Moaning, he licked her with the flat of his tongue. She cried out his name. Her body felt completely raw with pleasure!
“I haven’t even gotten started,” he said.
Connie sat up in bed, gasping. That dream was too real!
When Connie saw Nathan again she didn’t know how to act. She wanted to tell him how she felt, but what did it matter? They couldn’t act on her feelings.
The moment he looked at her, she felt the sensitive bud between her thighs ache. Such a visceral response! He hugged her with one arm and she wanted more. More of his embrace, laughter – everything!
During rehearsal she noticed him watching her. Her stomach fluttered. She hoped she looked nice to him. Smiling, she looked at him.
“I missed you,” he said softly.
Connie nearly fell off her seat. Really? “I missed you too.”
“I’ll talk to you about it after rehearsal,” he told her.
Those two hours dragged.
Finally, once rehearsal was done, they got to talk. To her delight and fear, he was feeling the same thing she was. The emotions she felt during the trip, he felt also.
He wanted to kiss her.
He wanted to hold her.
He wanted to be near her.
And when he asked if he could call her, she said yes. Then she waited with tortured patience for him to do so…
After the last show, a week had gone by and Connie hadn’t seen Nathan at rehearsal. She feared he may have left the group. They had gone through two keyboard players before Nathan came on board. It wasn’t much of a stretch.
And she didn’t have his number.
Since she couldn’t see him, she fantasized about everything she would have liked to do to him. She would be lying in bed, touching herself, imagining that she was straddling him in the back seat of that van. While he blessed her neck and cleavage with those lips she wanted to taste so badly.
She climaxed many times that week while fantasizing about him.
Still, she longed to see him in rehearsal. To be near him! Fantasizing wasn’t enough.
She wanted to know how it would feel to wake up in his arms after a night of love-making. How it would feel to caress his body while he rested in her arms. To meet and fulfill his needs beyond the bedroom.
To take care of him…
The show was a success. Easy money. Now they were getting ready to return home.
It was late. Connie and Nathan were the first ones in the van, taking their seats in the back. She was glad they were alone. There had been some close interactions. She playfully sung Lisa Stansfield’s “All Around The World” to him. And he looked at her with approval.
Approval she wanted from him.
So now they were alone. Intimate as it was, simply because she wanted him to make a move, he remained a gentleman.
Kiss me. Please kiss me, Connie thought.
But he didn’t. Evidently he didn’t have Professor X’s ability to read minds. She wanted him to caress her face and pull her mouth to his. Wanted him to act on what she felt.
Which was wrong and selfish.
They were both married. She shouldn’t be having such strong feeling for someone who wasn’t her husband. No matter how tepid or unsatisfactory her marriage was, she was still someone’s wife.
Quietly, he sat beside her, letting her listen to one of his favorite songs. It gave her reason to sit even closer to him so she could share his ear buds.
Just sitting near him made her feel safe. Like this is where she should have been to begin with.
The rest of the band got back in the van and they headed home. She felt like the moment had been missed. There was no way she could kiss him now.
The driver made a sudden move and she fell against him. Jokingly he said he was scared.
“Give me your hand. I’ll protect you,” Connie told him, smiling.
And he did.
She took his large hand in hers and held it tight. Instantly she felt her heart swell. “The Point of It All” by Anthony Hamilton came on the radio. His thumb slowly caressed her hand.
Did he feel it too?